Paper Tunnels

This evening I was dismantling my vision board, reluctantly, and some wads of paper my new furniture was delivered wrapped in lay on the floor.  I picked up the pieces and spread one of them out on the floor creating two arches Marten and Lily could walk through and they did just that!

I LOVE their curiosity and spunk. I don't meet many humans who present those qualities in my life. Everyone is so guarded, myself included.  I was just thinking about the many women and men I meet who I find absolutely inspiring, people I woul love to be friends with, BBQ with regularly, hike with, go dancing and chat, laugh with, but they don't respond to me the same. It's disheartening.

At times I imagine I'll invite them all to my home for pot luck, buy would they come?  I did that my 30th birthday and no-one showed up, not even my "boyfriend".  FaceBook makes it difficult to imagine so...I see photos of people together and I seldom receive invites, at least not ones that make me feel like I am really wanted and not just a number at a door or a cogg in someone's network.

Life has been weird for me.  I wonder if it has been the same for the people I've met along the way?  If other people I know also feel, secretly, like they are an anomaly among strangers...if we ever really know our fellow humans?

I've met all types and color of race and class and culture and religion in my life's journey thus far ; yet, no one man, or woman, who could really stand by my side through it all in support and acceptance.  It kind of makes my yoga feel senseless, my purpose seem vain. Do I have a purpose?

I go through the motions.  We all do, but is there any real joy in each others company?  I feel honest with my Self.  I feel connection with my kitties and my Mother, and once in a while I have an exceptional experience with my fellow man or woman, but the rest of the time there is confusion, perplexion, the brain reels with so much chatter, the Monkey mind.  Am I the only one that suffers the Monkey mind?
No one talks about it.  I feel like I share too much.  I was told once by a friend I loved that my personal blog was too personal.

I read people's blogs and Facebook posts, text messages and the rare "personal" email, and I wonder what has happened to human communication?  I really love the unspoken communication I have with my kitties. We tend to "get" each other's moods through osmosis just having been around each other so much.  It's like being a family.   It's crystal clear when they want to play, when they're hungry, when they want to be left alone because I'm pestering them, when they want me to pay attention or when I need support. They just know. They know when I'm down and need extra love. I don't have people in my life who give me that same kind of intuitive bonding. I think it's a bit sad.

Here I've got all these friends who say they love me and I wonder where we are for each other when the chips are flying around our daily lives?  I tell myself "I'll be a friend first" and they will follow my lead, but it never works that way.  We are all so caught up in out busy lives, and I completely understand this, but I just wonder if anyone else out there ever feels as lost and isolated as I do?

For now I'm going to sleep on this and just contemplate how fortunate I know I am to be healthy and beautiful and intelligent and absolutely BLESSED to be who and where I am in this time of the world.
I'm just looking for some joy and comradeship.  Is that too much to ask?  Even if you think I'm a little weird?  I'm a Gemini, not an Alien.  Nothing scary here that I can see.