Indulging the Muse

Raquel Zimmerman has been a longtime favorite model of mine and I have never seen her undone such as Steven Meisel presents her in September’s 2011 Fashion issue of W Magazine.  

My obsession with fashion and models began in the checkout lines at market in the "front" of the valley, as we called it, Lemon Valley, and a cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine Fransesco Scavullo shot with Paulina Porizkova.

My own experience modeling was much different than my imaginations.  I was painfully shy.  At castings I was not even able to look the panel of bookers in the eye or speak.  It was excruciating and I was thrown into depression that lasted years after my return from Vienna and Milan.  The camera did like me but my fear was insurmountable. 

One call was to the studio of Steven Meisel.  I was wrapped in a sheet on a board leaning against a wall.  The ceiling was miles above me in this fantasy gorgeous warehouse space I have dreamed of living in to this day.  Another call was as a fit model for Iceberg.  I felt like a sausage poured in to and bursting out of this tube of a sock I imagined was supposed to be a dress.  I am a size 4 and by those standards I was super FAT.

My last European call was with a very famous photographer who was married to a young model.  They had two children together and I was to test at his studio for my agent.  I dragged a suitcase FULL of clothes with me, his assistant left the room and I believe sat in the loft upstairs, and at last, after showing me photos of how Elite Models showcased their girls, in full sexy regalia, he pulled his little pepe out of his pants and told me to f*** the wall.  I booked my ticket home the very next day.

Still there is part of me that wonders what my life could have been if I had had the wherewithal to persevere through the muck and the mire and actually get booked for the runway season or for a job, or a cover.  Perhaps.  But I made the choice that very day to retreat.  The dye was cast.

Do I have any regrets?  Do you want me to lie? 

I struggled for years when I got home to America.  The food was not as amazing and delicious as it was in Europe.  The people were not nearly as friendly and open or FUN.  The agency who sent me to Vienna was a dismal joke.  People in America seemed very fake and boring.  I was clueless as to what on Earth I was supposed to do with my life next, so I went back to college.  Thank Heaven for my family.  They nursed me through so much mental wack and many unhealthy years beyond even my own comprehension.

I battled alcohol and food and abusive relationships and years of feeling absolutely lost.  It is truly amazing to imagine that you can spend what you believe is your whole life preparing for an outcome only to discover your natural Being is not meant for that purpose.  My only recommendation, teach your children SUCCESS.  A young mind needs to know what winning feels like, whether it is at home or in math or science class.  Something vocal and cheery.  Give them WIDE berth to experience failure and winning.  Let them choose.  Before they step out into the world.

As I think about being over 40, I look in the mirror and I marvel at the experiences I have survived and that have WOW'ed and shaped my persona.  I have few regrets other than wishing I had been prepared to create the life I once dreamed of.  Fortunately, that has changed and morphed into something palatable that I can live with, and I am perfectly poised to create the life I choose now.  

If I am to be honest with you, I believe if I had known then what I know now, I would have been a force to be reckoned with.  My dreams would have been realized at the snap of my finger and NO thing could have torn me down or hurt me or frightened me in any way, but, well, that was not meant to be.  Some of us are Late Bloomers.  http://www.soundstrue.com/shop/The-Late-Bloomer/3648.productdetails?component=coursesevents

Sigh.  So, I still look forward to my monthly fashion infusion.  W, Vogue, ID, Flair, Marie Claire, etc., etc.  And I hold my heart for all the very young gorgeous women who enter the profession and survive and thrive in the industry that ate my heart alive.  I envy you, and I thank my stars that I did not make the cut.  I’m happy to be living in Marina Del Rey with my kitties, and not too many people know who I really am. 

That part I’m actually looking to change.

“Vishuddha”

Wind and Water.  Associated with the color Blue most often.  The color of the 5^th Chakra:  Ether.  Universe.  Voice.  Five is the number of movement and productivity.  Freedom.  Primal in nature as we are.  Visual experiential learners every one.

I was just thinking that I dream the vision of my life as I go along all day long.  Today in the Pre-Post Natal teacher training workshop I attended I dreamt about what kind of teacher I want to be, what kind of mother, partner, friend I am and about the home I am building.  I dream about how I will feel in that space, how I will speak and embrace life and those around me who give me so much and allow me to express my visions unfettered and raw.

There was a time when I believed acting was the purest form of expression and that is why I wanted to be involved in the industry machine of making visual imagery, still or moving.  It didn’t matter to me where I stood on the set, just that I was there.  Now I understand it is the Act of Expression that is Pure. 

There is no concealment.  Nothing to hide behind.  The voice is meant to be heard and the body is a naturally bold flower just as each animal has it’s own personality.  Some heal, some hunt, some run, some sleep. 

There was a rough patch of years when I went from being a wild butterfly to feeling ashamed of and trapped within my own skin.  It is in this daydreaming where the tiniest belief held deep in the memory of my musculoskeletal system has given me the will to work toward my own personal liberation all these years.  It is in the creating of these dreams that motivates me to live the life I want and the reason for every decision I make. 

The Sanskrit equivalent I like to associate with this state of evolution is Krama mukti [krum mukti]: liberation by degrees.  Choice is a good place to begin.  It was during my 200 hour teacher training program where I discovered the concept that says the teacher witnesses where the students capabilities reside and respects that place and teaches to each student on that level. 

I began immediately to exercise my right to choose.  I chose to develop my personal practice around what my body wanted rather than what was necessarily prescribed.  My body had changed over the years and the first thing I needed to do was respect that within my own physicality before I could understand how to be a compassionate guide to a group of bodies that I cannot feel inside of.

Speaking of this takes me back to my workshop this afternoon.  My daydreaming becomes part of my experience.  While I’m navigating the balance of my structure relating to the floor and trying to remember to breathe I’m thinking about being a Mommy.  We had our Mexican blankets rolled up and tightly strapped around our abdomens to get a sense of how that obstruction will hinder movement.   

We modified the sun salutation, forward bends, side angle poses to strengthen the obliques, backbends and the necessity for keeping the bend mostly in the thoracic region.  It was a fascinating class.  Every new bit of information I learned gave me moments of daydreaming about how I will incorporate this new knowledge into my own teaching.  Like a skilled DJ inspires the bodies on the dancefloor through a journey of sound, the yoga teacher takes the mind on a journey while the body moves in and up and around the breath. 

My fellow market worker told me the other day he was not great in school but he was very good at learning languages and that he can speak French, Mandarin, Russian, Spanish and a couple other obscure tongue.  For me the academics were also a challenge, but music and images is where I was golden.

It makes perfect sense to me now how the path I have chosen may be confused with daydreaming to some folks, but it really speaks to me in ways I can only begin to comprehend myself at this early stage in my development.  As a more serious practitioner and as a teacher I can only refer to that tiny sense of knowing in the marrow of my bones and go with it.  This in itself is purity.   Vishuddha.

11:11 on a Saturday morning

It's time!

The Power of Silence

Conversation this week has been filled with books and music and the processes of the mind and body. Of taking bold steps in creating the life I want!  The possibility of bringing my visions to life and making them real has had me up two nights now.  A big shift is coming soon.

As I stand on the brink of huge financial decision my heart says run with the wind and risk it all for what I believe in.  The voices of reason pull me out of my will to LIVE and bid me return to the safety of the life I had before.  The one that drained my lungs of breath and broke me down to a puddle of nothingness vacant of personality and joy.  

I took my health and sanity back into my own hands and devoted so much blood to healing my heart it strikes me as absurd to even suggest altering my forward motion when I am so close.

The way I see it I can build it now and work really hard to teach it to breathe with my vision or I can deviate from this path I've worked so hard to find my footing on and risk losing focus and maybe never build it.  I'm just beginning to streamline and focus and fine tune my voice.

Most of my life has been spent letting others make decisions for me.  I have always done others work administrating, holding up the walls of someone else's dreams.  Now it is my time.  Ironically, I will still be in service, but as a guide I an arena where my intuition has place, my sensitivities can thrive.

I have been given a gift.  The world will change, or not, but if I refuse to live my dream even one day in this lifetime while it sits in front if me for the taking I will have wasted our most precious human asset, creation.

So, this means the management will scowl and groan, but what if I succeed?  What if it turns out exactly as I envision it to be? 

See Change

Ocean twig curling up Eggshell cracked table side.  

That's what this lamp next to me speaks.  Volumes of Soul Pages inked out before I enlist the Dream Machine to carry me through the vision Voice gives to my sleep.  Coffee smell fills empty dresser drawers, clothing piled around the carpeted floor, down heat cacooning caged breath filled with heart.

Kitten, kitten around my toes.  One will crawl up to my right ear purring and knead the pillow case frayed, the other will wake me at three or four with hunger prancing out the door as I close it behind him.  I know the bowl is full.

Amber soft lavender weight covers my eyes while Amethyst wand capped by orbs of Rosy Quartz and Clear Crystal slipped under my pillow invite me to drift.  They will take care of the rest. 

Paper Tunnels

This evening I was dismantling my vision board, reluctantly, and some wads of paper my new furniture was delivered wrapped in lay on the floor.  I picked up the pieces and spread one of them out on the floor creating two arches Marten and Lily could walk through and they did just that!

I LOVE their curiosity and spunk. I don't meet many humans who present those qualities in my life. Everyone is so guarded, myself included.  I was just thinking about the many women and men I meet who I find absolutely inspiring, people I woul love to be friends with, BBQ with regularly, hike with, go dancing and chat, laugh with, but they don't respond to me the same. It's disheartening.

At times I imagine I'll invite them all to my home for pot luck, buy would they come?  I did that my 30th birthday and no-one showed up, not even my "boyfriend".  FaceBook makes it difficult to imagine so...I see photos of people together and I seldom receive invites, at least not ones that make me feel like I am really wanted and not just a number at a door or a cogg in someone's network.

Life has been weird for me.  I wonder if it has been the same for the people I've met along the way?  If other people I know also feel, secretly, like they are an anomaly among strangers...if we ever really know our fellow humans?

I've met all types and color of race and class and culture and religion in my life's journey thus far ; yet, no one man, or woman, who could really stand by my side through it all in support and acceptance.  It kind of makes my yoga feel senseless, my purpose seem vain. Do I have a purpose?

I go through the motions.  We all do, but is there any real joy in each others company?  I feel honest with my Self.  I feel connection with my kitties and my Mother, and once in a while I have an exceptional experience with my fellow man or woman, but the rest of the time there is confusion, perplexion, the brain reels with so much chatter, the Monkey mind.  Am I the only one that suffers the Monkey mind?
No one talks about it.  I feel like I share too much.  I was told once by a friend I loved that my personal blog was too personal.

I read people's blogs and Facebook posts, text messages and the rare "personal" email, and I wonder what has happened to human communication?  I really love the unspoken communication I have with my kitties. We tend to "get" each other's moods through osmosis just having been around each other so much.  It's like being a family.   It's crystal clear when they want to play, when they're hungry, when they want to be left alone because I'm pestering them, when they want me to pay attention or when I need support. They just know. They know when I'm down and need extra love. I don't have people in my life who give me that same kind of intuitive bonding. I think it's a bit sad.

Here I've got all these friends who say they love me and I wonder where we are for each other when the chips are flying around our daily lives?  I tell myself "I'll be a friend first" and they will follow my lead, but it never works that way.  We are all so caught up in out busy lives, and I completely understand this, but I just wonder if anyone else out there ever feels as lost and isolated as I do?

For now I'm going to sleep on this and just contemplate how fortunate I know I am to be healthy and beautiful and intelligent and absolutely BLESSED to be who and where I am in this time of the world.
I'm just looking for some joy and comradeship.  Is that too much to ask?  Even if you think I'm a little weird?  I'm a Gemini, not an Alien.  Nothing scary here that I can see.

Set Sail

First Date.  Last Date.

Friday, noon, lunch becomes Champagne and dinner.  Saturday beach sunset Clam Bake.  Restful innocent sleep in comfort’s arms.  Sunday morning coffee, fantastic conversation, little bits of who, what, when, where.  Ease.  Laughter in common things.  Travel to distant beaches, waffles for brunch in a stranger’s home.  Introductions.  Curious and hopeful gestures.  Another beach and music with friends.  Success.  Sunshine.  Sunburn.  Serenity.  At last the holiday.  Front porch neighborhood BBQ.  Welcoming familiarity, and the subject that will turn the tide and set the sails again afloat on the sea as I look out from the shore of fond memory.

*               *               *

The age old adage seems to ring true:  One step closer, two steps back.  My long awaited foray back in to the dating world proves that the closer I get to the vision I am creating for my life, the more patiently and graciously I must wait for exactly the right combination of elements to come together.  All the intelligence and attention to detail, attentiveness and charm, possibility for romance and enveloping integrated compatibility and lifestyle are present; yet, one massive obstacle keeps it from becoming, blossoming.  Children, marriage and family.

It would be so easy just to go with the flow, but looking at property up in Topanga this morning really brought me back down to Earth and reminded me that I have come so far and done all this Self work for a reason.  To sacrifice my dream of being a wife and mother is not an option.  So, an amazing weekend, the ideal date that turned into three days later….is now a bright spot to appreciate as a treasured moment in time.  I am on the right track.  Life keeps getting better and better.

Killing the White Wolf

Some days ago I decided that Feng Shui’ing my home is a good idea.  My adrenals are tired.  I didn’t need to visit a allergy muscle testing doctor today to be told this.  Luckily it was a complimentary screening.  I also learned that I am allergic to salt and B complex vitamin rich foods as well as sugars.  Good thing I don’t eat salt.

Back to the Feng Shui.  The very first room I chose to remedy was my sleeping sanctuary, the bedroom.  I moved the bed.  I began dreaming once I also made the decision to replace my old mattress with a new bed-frame and an organic latex mattress covered in wool and organic cotton.  I’m getting used to the mattress, but what is most interesting is the dreaming.  I go months and often years between dream memories.  Likely I dream all the time, but for me to remember them is rare.  I suffer from insomnia most nights and my cats often wake me in the middle of the night, sometimes more than once.

Suddenly my passion to reenergize my living space has become the most important thing I’m doing right now.  The day I had my new bed delivered I emptied drawers, cabinets and my desk and dresser and asked the mover if he would please take everything.  He seemed a little uncertain, and asked where I wanted him to take it.  I don’t know, I said, Salvation Army, keep it, give it away.  Please just take it all, and he did just that.  He took it all.

I figure there is a lot of old energy tied up in the couch I’ve been sitting on.  It was given to me and my memories of it hold many visions of a mean man I loved enough to sacrifice the whole of my being to, only to discover he was not a man of his word.  My bed held many similar memories as did every other piece of furniture in my home save for a few I inherited from my Grandmother.  Plus I just had too much stuff!  I wanted it gone.  None of it excites me or makes me feel happy to arrive home just to look at it, touch it, relax into or sleep on it.  Part of the principle I am trying to live by now is that if a thing does not serve a specific purpose or bring me pure joy, it does not belong in my life.

So the crazy thing is that this purging is really emotionally taxing.  That and spending money to replace what I’ve purged.  Making the decision was the quickest part of the process.  That was easy compared to the stress of going out and shopping after days of scouring Craigslist and Ebay and hitting yard sales and second hand stores.  Then the scheduling and dealing with the wholesaler/retailer and the banks.  Waiting.  And finally moving everything in my home to clean and prepare for this shift to take place.  It’s a ton of work for one person.  These are the times when I dream about what it might be like to have a partner who cares enough about me to help and comfort and encourage me through the day to day of living.

Which brings me back to sleep, and the dreaming.  My second night in the new bed was a full 8 hours.  So happy.  Then the third night was this wild dream of a girlfriend and I driving a truck with fuel for a plane on treacherous hillside switchbacks and finally stopping to watch a leopard chasing a kitty toward us which I protected, of course.  Then this leopard leapt at me and as my friend attempted to hit it off to protect me with a white broom from the Crisis Shelter I volunteer at the leopard became a white wolf.  I grabbed this broomstick and stuck it down this beautiful creatures throat killing the white wolf.  It collapsed and died very slowly with this startled and confused peacefulness in its eyes.  Such an odd feeling came over me and I woke up from this dream and cried for more than ten minutes.

I don’t know anything about dream interpretation, but one online dictionary says a leopard attacking you speaks to being overly confident in future success and that killing a white wolf, which is supposed to repesent valor, means betrayal.  I’m definitely going to be doing more research on symbolism.  I certainly don’t need any more betrayal in my life.  And I certainly don’t feel confident as I’d like to yet about my future.  I like to think I’m humbled.  I have a lot to learn as a teacher, a lot more energy to heal within myself if this allergen muscle testing doctor has any adrenal strengthening remedy suggestions, and I just want to get back to what’s really important in life:  love and relationship.  Yoga.