Killing the White Wolf

Some days ago I decided that Feng Shui’ing my home is a good idea.  My adrenals are tired.  I didn’t need to visit a allergy muscle testing doctor today to be told this.  Luckily it was a complimentary screening.  I also learned that I am allergic to salt and B complex vitamin rich foods as well as sugars.  Good thing I don’t eat salt.

Back to the Feng Shui.  The very first room I chose to remedy was my sleeping sanctuary, the bedroom.  I moved the bed.  I began dreaming once I also made the decision to replace my old mattress with a new bed-frame and an organic latex mattress covered in wool and organic cotton.  I’m getting used to the mattress, but what is most interesting is the dreaming.  I go months and often years between dream memories.  Likely I dream all the time, but for me to remember them is rare.  I suffer from insomnia most nights and my cats often wake me in the middle of the night, sometimes more than once.

Suddenly my passion to reenergize my living space has become the most important thing I’m doing right now.  The day I had my new bed delivered I emptied drawers, cabinets and my desk and dresser and asked the mover if he would please take everything.  He seemed a little uncertain, and asked where I wanted him to take it.  I don’t know, I said, Salvation Army, keep it, give it away.  Please just take it all, and he did just that.  He took it all.

I figure there is a lot of old energy tied up in the couch I’ve been sitting on.  It was given to me and my memories of it hold many visions of a mean man I loved enough to sacrifice the whole of my being to, only to discover he was not a man of his word.  My bed held many similar memories as did every other piece of furniture in my home save for a few I inherited from my Grandmother.  Plus I just had too much stuff!  I wanted it gone.  None of it excites me or makes me feel happy to arrive home just to look at it, touch it, relax into or sleep on it.  Part of the principle I am trying to live by now is that if a thing does not serve a specific purpose or bring me pure joy, it does not belong in my life.

So the crazy thing is that this purging is really emotionally taxing.  That and spending money to replace what I’ve purged.  Making the decision was the quickest part of the process.  That was easy compared to the stress of going out and shopping after days of scouring Craigslist and Ebay and hitting yard sales and second hand stores.  Then the scheduling and dealing with the wholesaler/retailer and the banks.  Waiting.  And finally moving everything in my home to clean and prepare for this shift to take place.  It’s a ton of work for one person.  These are the times when I dream about what it might be like to have a partner who cares enough about me to help and comfort and encourage me through the day to day of living.

Which brings me back to sleep, and the dreaming.  My second night in the new bed was a full 8 hours.  So happy.  Then the third night was this wild dream of a girlfriend and I driving a truck with fuel for a plane on treacherous hillside switchbacks and finally stopping to watch a leopard chasing a kitty toward us which I protected, of course.  Then this leopard leapt at me and as my friend attempted to hit it off to protect me with a white broom from the Crisis Shelter I volunteer at the leopard became a white wolf.  I grabbed this broomstick and stuck it down this beautiful creatures throat killing the white wolf.  It collapsed and died very slowly with this startled and confused peacefulness in its eyes.  Such an odd feeling came over me and I woke up from this dream and cried for more than ten minutes.

I don’t know anything about dream interpretation, but one online dictionary says a leopard attacking you speaks to being overly confident in future success and that killing a white wolf, which is supposed to repesent valor, means betrayal.  I’m definitely going to be doing more research on symbolism.  I certainly don’t need any more betrayal in my life.  And I certainly don’t feel confident as I’d like to yet about my future.  I like to think I’m humbled.  I have a lot to learn as a teacher, a lot more energy to heal within myself if this allergen muscle testing doctor has any adrenal strengthening remedy suggestions, and I just want to get back to what’s really important in life:  love and relationship.  Yoga.